The Sturgeon Moon Meander

Well, it's Summertime, and the livin' is easy. Of course, you know what that means: Zuma Meanders! Watch this space for announcements about September's Special Meander!

So, evidently, in 2007, they finally passed the Charlton Heston Polite Driver Act, which regulates the mandatory installation of high-caliber armaments in all passenger vehicles. While the bill was passed under the auspices of the Omnibus Policing and Protection Restructuring Executive Safety Strategy (OPPRESS), the main support for the bill was not from anti-terrorism lobbyists. In fact, many attributed the passage of this bill to be a direct effect of 2005's collective regulation which required the use of Light Trucks and SUVs on American highways, while banning vehicles of less than 2.5 tons gross vehicular weight (GVW).

Not surprisingly, there was widespread grassroot support, which had been organized and activated by the People for Using Turn Signals (PUTS). President Limbaugh was greeted by the longest standing ovation on record when he proposed the legislation in the 2007 State of the Union address. The final legislation got watered down by a small contingent of "liberal" senators, who reduced the requirement to a single 50-caliber machine gun for vehicles under 4 tons GVW.

Still, nobody predicted the degree to which the bill has not only helped traffic flow, but has stimulated the economy. The few surviving drivers on the road tend to be extremely polite, and a whole industry has sprung up to provide aftermarket debris-clearing shovels for passenger vehicles (not unlike the cow-catchers on trains of yore). As Governor "Suge" Knight of California says, "This shows that the system works."

Phone in comments to 310.210.3347, meil 'em to the postal address skillfully concealed elsewhere on this page, or email 'em to

Zuma Beach Bluffs
  • "The Gashlycrumb Tinies" by Edward Gorey
  • "A Fable" by Mark Twain from The Complete Short Stories of Mark Twain
  • "Astronomy" by Wayne Ford

All misspellings, misattributions, omissions or errors in naming should be construed as Acts of God, directed through yours truly (for reasons at which we as mere mortals may only guess...)